don't sit down, he's moved your chair
by gimmetheheadcanons
Summary: after being accosted by a stranger in a parking lot, Bonnie Bennett decides to invite a little chaos into her family home. A little surprise to push away the holiday blues and hopefully her mother too. (thanksgiving bonkai)


_A/N: First Bonkai and barely edited so be gentle. Inspired by a funny post I saw on tumblr about purposefully hiring a nightmare Thanksgiving guest._

 _Break a mirror_  
 _Roll the dice_  
 _Run with scissors through a chip and fryer fight_  
 _Go into business with a grizzly bear_  
 _But just don't sit down 'cause I've moved your chair_

 _ **Arctic Monkeys - Don't Sit Down 'Cause I've Moved Your Chair.**_

* * *

 **1\. The Deal.**

"You won't believe what bomb my grams decided to drop on me three frickin' days before Thanksgiving Elena!"

"Was it - now my child, you are getting too old to sit on my lap."

The voice Bonnie Bennett found on the other side was unsympathetic and unmistakably male. She had been lazily pushing her shopping cart through the narrow aisles of a busy grocery store when Mr. Not-Elena's surprise impersonation of her grandmother brought her to a sudden halt. Cue the chorus of irritated tongue clicks, a barrage of choice curses (all very colorful) and echoing groans from the shoppers behind her.

Bonnie ignored them all.

 _Yeah yeah, we hear you,_ she thought as a train of angry customers and their carts passed her by, but only after an exchange of death glares as a final parting gift. No one wanted to be here running last minute Turkey Day errands. Least of all Bonnie. But she'd been bulldozed by her grandma and in no mood to be so agreeable again.

What a sham of a holiday.

When she was done redirecting traffic with her free hand, Bonnie turned to the man on the other line – the one inexplicably answering her best friend's cell. Feeling even less festive than she did a moment ago she made her demand for answers.

"Who is this?" She snapped.

The stranger simply chuckled in return.

"I mean it pal."

"Pal?"

Another mocking laugh.

"They're your minutes." The stranger declared before lowering his tone to be more sultry. Another borrowed voice, this time a phone sex line operator with the intention to seduce Bonnie.

"Who'd you want me to be?"

Of course. The theatrics should've given it away, but then again 'obvious' doesn't necessarily mean 'less infuriating'.

Bonnie rolled her eyes as she figured out which idiot it was she was dealing with.

"Oh God. Damon."

"Ding ding, well done."

Who else would take such delight in rubbing salt into her wound.

"Aren't you too dumped to be answering your ex's phone like this?"

"Eh we're trying the whole friend thing." Damon Salvatore finally responded and in his own voice, flippant and full of trouble.

Bonnie shook her head as she always did when confronted by Damon and Elena's drama.

"And?" She asked but stopping short of adding the intended (and wholly judgemental) final part of that sentence: _What else is new_.

"It sucks. Massively." Damon whined, and it was Bonnie's turn to chuckle at his misery.

It took her a while to warm to the man her childhood friend made the monumental mistake of getting romantically involved with. But Bonnie finally did and now cared enough to make a mental note to schedule another intervention for him once the holidays were over.

The break up couldn't have come soon enough and Damon just needed to hear that.

Still, it must've hurt like hell.

"Tell me about it." Bonnie said with a little more kindness. She too was recovering from the end of a rough relationship. There was somewhat of an odd camaraderie developing between her and Damon Salvatore and perhaps that was the reason for it – bonding over the shared humiliation of being jilted by a Gilbert.

Except Bonnie was sure she'd gotten the short end of the stick. Her Gilbert, sweet baby brother Jeremy Gilbert, turned out to be a cheat. Damon, on the other hand, was far more culpable than Bonnie when it came to his heartbreak.

"You should hang up. Before she sees you."

"Sees me doing what? What's a little chinwag between pals?"

With no longer a mystery to distract her, Bonnie resumed her shopping. Departing from her grandmother's grocery list, she almost swept clean an entire shelf of sugary snacks.

 _Straight into the cart you all go_.

Necessary reinforcements, something to get her through the misery of the next few days.

"Honestly you're acting a little paranoid Bon Bon. What's wrong?" Damon said, further insisting his innocence with an artificial sweetness that even Bonnie, with all her cravings, found a little too sickly.

"So, we're just gonna pretend you weren't snooping around in her mail box? See who Elena's texting now you're supposedly done _done_."

"Ha! Trick question. She isn't texting anyone...not anymore anyway."

"Damon! You ca-"

"One second, got a quick text I need to send."

Cut off mid-speech Bonnie could still hear Damon in the background reading aloud the messages he typed out on his ill-gotten device. She'd been forcibly made party to this unethical intrusion into Elena Gilbert's personal life.

Great. More relationship awkwardness on the horizon.

"New phone who dis…question mark. Send. Block. New phone who dis…question mark. Send. Block."

Growing impatient with his behavior, Bonnie tried to get Damon's attention by calling out his name and a couple important facts about boundaries – all of which his disturbing ass chose to ignore.

" _Aaand_ send. _Aaand_ block. Okay done now."

Damon was back.

"Damon what di – "

"Hey, call me back on mine?"

And just as suddenly, Damon was gone.

-  
Bonnie had been shopping for about fifteen minutes when phone rang. It had been a strangely peaceful fifteen minutes, the chaos all around the store provided the perfect backdrop for some pensive sulking. Deep in thought yet frustratingly unable to formulate a plan to get out of Thanksgiving dinner this year, moping was all Bonnie had and she was prepared not to have it interrupted by Damon Salvatore.

Pressing to reject had bought another fifteen minutes of peace and Bonnie accomplished plenty with that time. Groceries had been paid for, then bagged, and placed in her Prius. She still no plan but the self-pity had begun to wane enough for her to want to pick up should the phone ring again.

It did, whilst she was on route to return her now empty cart, and this time she answered.

"Damon?"

Silence on the other end.

Bonnie cursed the pettiness of the man she could clearly hear breathing.

"Damn it Damon. Hello?"

When Damon eventually answered, Bonnie had her finger on the end call button and her car keys in her hand. The sun hadn't set yet, but the temperature dropped significantly since she'd first gotten to the store. She watched as a wave of new arrivals fought over parking spaces, the escalating drama made it impossible for other drivers to leave further exacerbating the situation. By the carts, under a flimsily built shelter, Bonnie hugged her body against the November cold and decided to wait it out.

"So bombs huh?" Damon asked, he sounded a little out of breath. He was somewhere outside too. Out walking. Bonnie couldn't help speculating as to why he'd suddenly decided to brave the fierce frost.

"Where's Elena?"

"Oh I don't know Bonnie!" She could hear him shiver before he spoke and imagined his lips turn a biting shade of blue to match his eyes. Icicles hanging from his black hair and that stupid leather jacket, like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.

"I'm not her babysitter. Didn't you get the memo – we're finished."

Bonnie scoffed before placing the phone in between her shoulder and ear to free up her freezing hands. She then pushed them into the warm pockets of her long, red winter coat and there felt around for a pair of thick gloves.

In the end, she was only able to fish out one.

"Fine," said Damon, misconstruing Bonnie's silence as directed at him disapproval. "If I had to guess I'd say…out looking for her phone."

"Oh my God, move on Damon!"

"This is not normal behaviour!"

She hadn't intended on yelling so angrily that her phone nearly dropped to the ground, but Bonnie was furious. She'd just bought those gloves yesterday to match her knitted beanie, how could one be gone already?

"Oh shush. It's perfectly Ross and Rachel, trust me. We're gonna get back together. Maybe. Probably."

The battle for parking continued to wage on, as did the icy wind and Bonnie needed better shelter at least until one of those things passed. Defeated, she headed back to the store she'd thought she'd just escaped.

"You know what Damon, the most disturbing part of that is you're probably right. But I got too much on plate for your drama so good luck to you both I guess."

Just inside by the entrance, Bonnie found a nice heating vent to camp next to. She flashed the large security guard at the door an awkward smile and pointed to her cell phone, pretending bad cell coverage was the real culprit behind her return.

All she got in return was that menacing security guard scowl.

Anxious to stay indoors, Bonnie found herself turn to the desperate act of pleading with her eyes; a survival tactic she picked up from orphaned pups in a kennel she volunteered at one summer back in high school. Every day there, she tried to adopt them all and every day she was told she couldn't.

"Helloooo Bonnieeeee?"

She could hear Damon singing her name, off-key and right into her ear. Each time a little louder, little more annoying. But Bonnie couldn't risk breaking eye contact with the guard. Her hazel eyes were beginning to sting, her face ached from the unnatural width of her smile; it growing increasingly more manic and pained.

 _No one loitering here. Nothing to see sir, please move on._

Strange as it was, it somehow worked. An incident came in over the intercom and the guard called to action. Bonnie could stay and not lose a limb to frostbite.

 _Thank God for Thanksgiving tantrums._

"I'm still here Damon."

"Finally! So, what exactly did wily old Sheila do?"

Crap, she'd almost forgotten it. The problem, still intractable and inching closer.

"Oh nothing except invite my disaster deadbeat mom for Thanksgivings dinner. Three courses of sweet emotional manipulation followed by forced reconciliation over coffee."

"'Tis the season I guess."

"'Tis not fair is what it is." Bonnie immediately howled back then felt ashamed closely after.

Damon sounded a little more serious when he spoke next.

"So…How many years has it been?"

She sighed before taken a moment to do the math. Talking about the woman who birthed her then ditched her was always a sore subject for Bonnie.

"Six and before that seven I think. She just showed up one night, stayed half a day and left before dinner. Pulled the same crappy move the time before that. Except, she brought me a stupid doll I guess."

"I was childish enough to think it was awesome."

The memory of that cheap doll flooded Bonnie's insides with bitter rage. What she didn't tell Damon was how she was pretty certain the doll was something Abby Bennett picked up at a gas station just outside of Mystic Falls. Bonnie figured that out last summer when she, Elena and their friend Caroline Forbes planned to take their college tour road trip. Except, she didn't make it past Whitmore; somehow, even with all those miles between them, Abby managed to ruin that for her daughter too.

"Ouch. Sounds like mommy Bennett is gunning for the illustrious Lilly Salvatore Award for Monstrous Mothers and Their Tortured Offspring.

"Ouch." Bonnie said, meaning it. Damon didn't often talk about his parents but oddly enough when he did it wasn't with Elena. It was something Bonnie remembered her best friend call attention to night after night during the build up to the end of their doomed romance.

 _He won't let me in Bon. Each time, he either laughs or lashes out. How am I supposed to deal with that?_

As her friend poured out her heart, Bonnie poured herself another drink and kindly pretended she didn't understand the appeal of shutting down, of keeping your loved ones out and precious sunny moments away from dark storm clouds of your past.

"I don't want to see her Damon."

"So don't go. Problem solved."

"But I promised Grams. I didn't mean to, but she worked her magic and somehow got to me."

"Then go and bail after you've had a mouthful of tasty bird." Damon said making it sound all so easy.

"But bailing isn't my thing. So…other options? Please."

"Fine, stay. All the way till pie, have said pie and chew slow. Very slow."

She was losing his sympathy, Bonnie could tell. Life was always easy for the Damon Salvatores of the world, consequences be damned. The only options were their way or their way but a little bumpier, littered with the bodies he had to mercilessly mow down.

"I can't stay either." Bonnie admitted. Just the thought made her queasy. Being sat opposite Abby for an entire day, being made to bite her tongue or make empty conversation about God knows what. Swallow all that hurt then let it fester inside her for another six or seven years until it bubbled up to the surface at the most inconvenient of times.

No, Bonnie wouldn't be able to stomach it.

"Then we're back to option a) Don't frickin' go."

"But Grams -"

"Well then that sounds like a _you_ problem Bon. I gave you all your choices. Now pick one or call a friend."

"I thought I was calling a frie – hello? Damon? Hello?"

A cold dial tone emitted from her cell. Damon's voice was long gone, and Bonnie was left standing with one less thing to be thankful for on this crappy holiday – her so called friends.

"Jerk. What did I even expect?" Bonnie found herself muttering, at first angrily and then louder.

"Not meaningful advice. Oh no! Never from you Damon, you bloodsucking cold-eyed asshole!"

With her call completed, her nemesis the store security guard reappeared ready to add to Bonnie's misery and kick her outside to either face the mayhem or mace-like wind.

"Ma'am, you're not buying so I want you out of here."

"I'm going! Jeez, just give me a second."

"Sure, you were." He snorted as he grabbed Bonnie by her arm and without warning began to steer her towards the exit. When she resisted the niceties were dropped.

"Out. Now."

Bonnie was about to give the unreasonable man a piece of her mind and teach him a thing or two about personal space when another person got there first.

An onlooker, male, maybe college-aged and casually munching on a bag of what looked like pork rinds.

"Hey man," He called out to the security guard, his voice light and non-confrontational. "You wanna back off a little? Really wouldn't wanna lose a hand."

The guard stopped long enough for Bonnie to free herself from his grip. He watched the guy with wary eyes as if trying to discern if an actual threat was being made. Bonnie understood the hesitation, there was something off about the way the words were delivered and yet on the surface Pork Rind Guy seemed only interested in consuming his gross snack. The relaxed grin he wore on his face, akin to that of an entertained moviegoer not a someone roaring for a throw down with a much larger man.

Every so often, in between bites, he'd attempt to throw a piece in the air and catch it with his mouth but be left smacking his lips at air like a fish; each portion bouncing right off the short brown hairs on his head and onto the floor. There, he'd kick at them with the grim looking muddy sneakers he wore on his feet.

He was a child, a man yes, but barely.

A nuisance.

Bonnie could tell the guard decided the same thing and was ready to dismiss the interfering stranger as such when Pork Rind Guy opened his mouth to speak again.

"Yeah…especially that one." He said pointing at the guard's left hand. "With it being so close to the holidays you're gonna wanna keep the company."

Bonnie's eyes widened.

With a twinkle in his blue eyes and no regrets, Pork Rind Guy made a lewd gesture with his own left hand and laughed.

It was a great laugh. Free and big. The kind of laugh you'd hear as you passed a playground. Yet, Bonnie felt embarrassed by it and everything else about him. The gesture included. It was immature, meant to grate on you and it made her cringe a little.

The gesture had a different impact on the guard. His face flushed red with anger and Bonnie knew it was time to throw in the towel and just go.

As she used the distraction to quietly slip away, she could hear the burly security guard bark at the younger man and Pork Rind Guy's response made her smile a little _._

"You need to get out of my face son."

"Could you like – not wave _that_ so close to _my_ face?"

"Get out of here! Right now!"

Bonnie glanced back just in time to see Pork Rind Guy throw her a wink. It came right after he'd finally succeeded in catching a pork rind with his mouth.

How childish, Bonnie thought, shaking her head but this time smiling a lot.

By the time Bonnie got close to her car, the traffic situation had died down considerably and she didn't expect to be held up much longer; and yet, in typical Thanksgiving fashion, she'd been too hasty in giving thanks.

"Hey."

Pork Rind Guy, materializing out of nowhere and coming in between her and her car.

Startled, Bonnie frowned and looked around to see if they'd be joined by their old friend the security guard, finally able to do his job and provide said security.

The question is, however, would she be needing it.

Pork Rind Guy seemed oblivious to Bonnie's alarm. His right arm reached deep into the jumbo bag of rinds he still cradled and not her throat like the parking lot assailant Bonnie worried he might be.

If this encounter were going to turn into an NBC Dateline special then it'd have to wait whilst he hunted for crumbs.

When done, Pork Rind Guy cast aside the empty packet and finally addressed the perplexed person he'd delayed.

"So I just wanted to tell you – before you go – there is always one other option. Bring a date. A human buffer."

It took Bonnie a full minute to gather her wits enough to follow what Pork Rind Guy was trying to tell her. She still didn't understand how he managed to get away from the guard and out to the parking lot in time to catch her, why he did so and if he was a danger.

Keys readied in her fist, Bonnie asked for an explanation.

"Excuse me?"

Pork Rind Guy smiled and again it was full of boyish charm.

"Someone to draw fire and guess what? I got the perfect shirt for that!"

He puffed out his chest and pulled at the bottom of his t-shirt to straighten it out.

"See?"

What Bonnie saw was a logo, right in the middle and against the blueish gray of the rest of his shirt. It was red and round, like a bullseye but probably belonged to a band she'd never heard of.

"Draw fire at dinner." He repeated, and this time Bonnie understood.

Pork Rind Guy was referring to her earlier conversation with Damon about Thanksgiving dinner with her mom.

Bonnie felt a chill and it had nothing to do with the weather. Had their run in earlier been planned and if so why? She examined the parking lot for others and was relieved to find they weren't alone. Several shoppers still close enough to call on if things got unsafe.

Nothing about this guy felt right and Bonnie had heard enough. She snuck quick glance at the car sat behind him, her ticket out of this progressively creepy conversation. Good, Pork Rind Guy didn't seem to be blocking the door. In fact, there was plenty of space behind him where Bonnie could pass him by and then get the hell out of there.

"Uhm thanks but I gotta go."

"Hey hey hey! Wait a minute."

In one quick motion, Pork Rind Guy positioned him directly against Bonnie's door and successfully cut her off from her escape route.

Bonnie braced herself for worse to follow, but was surprised to see him then, just as smoothly, step aside. Nothing about this guy felt right, Bonnie knew that and yet she didn't get in her car and drive away.

"What do you want?"

His lips curled into a satisfied smile when she turned to face him.

They were now stood a little too close for comfort. Bonnie could feel the hot air of his breath on her lips, see the goose bumps on the pale skin of his exposed neck and decided that's where the sharp end of her keys would go if he took one more step towards her.

But Pork Grind Guy didn't. In fact, he fell back, held up his hands and apologized.

"I'm sorry. That was weird right? Kinda? A little?"

Bonnie didn't respond, just watched him with narrowed eyes as he took it upon himself to tally up all the reasons why everything he'd done up until now was inappropriate.

"No it's alright to admit it...that _was_ weird. With me just showing up at your car like that. Outta nowhere with all this information about a conversation we personally didn't have. I know, I know. I'm an eavesdropper. I admit."

Another smile, brief and full of humor.

"And then that proposition? Yikes! What even was that? No, no, no. No good. at all!"

Bonnie relaxed a little but not enough to put away her car keys and retire her plans to go for the jugular.

"Let's try again. Hi, my name is Kai. Well it's actually Malachai but since I'm trying not to frighten you away with a name straight out of Necronomicon I think Kai will do just fine."

"By the way, have you seen that film? God, Bruce Campbell. What a guy right?"

"Sorry, rude again. What's your name?"

"Bonnie and I gotta head home now."

"I'm expected." She quickly added, angrily wondering why she told him her real name. Was it because earlier, he was essentially asking for her home address and this was the lesser of two evils?

Either way, she wouldn't slip up again.

"I need go home now Kai. It's cold and I'm very tired."

Pork Rind Guy – no – _Kai_ dropped his jaw when she said his name. It was exaggerated for effect, but she could see he was somehow flattered by the show of trust when she told him hers.

"Bonnie."

He celebrated by repeating her name back to her, saying every letter with great purpose and pleasure.

"Nice to meet you Bonnie."

"Well Bonnie, it sounds to me like you were having a rough day. Got a bit of a situation at the home front huh?"

"I wanna help with that."

Bonnie blinked as confusion set in once again.

"Excuse me."

"For the reasonable price of one home cooked Thanksgiving dinner. I, Kai Parker, will be your date."

"Eh yeah…No thanks."

Bonnie felt a little relieved but also self-conscious, was Damon right, was this perfectly normal and she just not to used to guys hitting on her?

"Oh no, you got it all wrong. I'll be your date. The one all girls sooner or later bring home to screw with their parents. I'll be the mistake."

Kai continued to explain, and Bonnie again found herself not walking away when she easily could have.

"I've been told, on many occasions, that I'm every parent's nightmare. Imagine, Grams drops a bomb and you Bonnie, drop a nuke."

 _Every parent's nightmare,_ why did Bonnie have no trouble believing that. Kai was cute but on balance also a major creep with awful taste so no, of course most girls would have no interest in inviting him home to meet their families. End of November and he's dressed like a stoner extra in a bad nineties high school movie. Faded t-shirt and long sleeves combo, three-quarter cargo pants and sneakers.

In this weather.

Who does that?

 _Valid question Bon._

"And why would I invite a perfect stranger into my home?" She asked him, for the first time saying more than four words. He must've noticed too, how her curiosity got the better of her because his face lit up like a Christmas tree. It was too soon for that crap, Bonnie thought, gripping her keys a little tighter.

"Because that's the beauty of it! After Thanksgiving, I go back to being a perfect stranger. Who else can say that?"

"No baggage."

"No offense" Bonnie said flatly and with all the offense. "But that sounds like BS."

Kai appeared unfazed by her bluntness. As usual, the lack of warmth in her voice made him work only harder.

"If you ask me - which I know you're not but hear me out anyway – if you were asking me… what sounds like bullshit is having to spend Thanksgiving with a woman who gets to choose to walk in and out of your life at a moment's notice."

"You should be able to the same Bonnie."

"That's what I think."

Bonnie inhaled deeply, thrown by the sudden sincerity with which he delivered that final line. She let a calculated stillness wash over her as she dealt with the sweltering emotion under the surface. She'd been affected by Kai's words, the notion behind them appealing not to her but directly to the pain her small body had housed for all the years.

"Pork rind?"

Out of one of his pocket, Kai spontaneously produced a handful of the snack Bonnie saw him finish then offered it to her.

Bonnie's eyes zeroed in on the lint particulars stuck to the grease of the rinds and declined.

"I can see why you're so eager to worm your way to our dinner table."

Kai shrugged and stuffed the rinds back into his pocket. Eyes fixed firmly on hers, Bonnie knew there was another offer he was eager to see if she would accept.

 _If not rinds Bonnie, how about retaliation?_

"What about your family? Won't they be expecting you?" She asked changing the subject.

"Not if they changed the locks as they promised they would."

Again, Kai surprised her with his openness.

"Harsh." Bonnie said yet not feeling the need to press Kai for any further details. In all her anger, she'd forgotten there were people out there who simply didn't have families to spend Thanksgiving Day with.

"Not everyone takes to my winning personality as you have." Kai replied appearing to have sufficiently recovered from the solemnness of the moment.

Bonnie laughed and saw Kai's entire face beam as if the sound of her laugh had been his goal all along.

"Hold your horses buddy. I haven't agreed to anything just yet."

"Sorry manners." Kai said before he began to obsessively kick at the gravel and the dirt under his feet.

"What is it now Kai? Dropped a pork rind?"

Satisfied he'd made enough of a clearing, Kai Parker got down on one knee and held up a single pork rind in between his fingers like an engagement ring.

Mortified, Bonnie's face flushed at the sudden interest passing shoppers were beginning to show and the several prying looks being thrown their way.

Kai cleared his throat.

"Bonnie, will you let me spend Thanksgiving Day with you and your family? I promise to be on my worst behaviour. Promise to shake your poor unsuspecting mother to core and show her the dangerous road her awful parenting choices may have led her beautiful baby girl."

A nod from her was enough of a signal for Kai to jump up to his feet and throw the absurd edible ring Bonnie refused over his shoulder; freeing up his hand for a more formal shake.

"Oh my bad." He said only remembering to wipe the food grease from his palm and onto his pant leg after noticing the look of disgust on Bonnie's face.

That look didn't change much when finally, clean enough to be once more presented to her, Kai simply held his hand up to his face and grinned.

"Gotta make it legit right?" He told her before spitting straight onto his skin.

"No backsies."

One look at the wet hand in front her and Bonnie knew her instincts were right.

Kai Parker was the worst.

Yet any hesitation she may have grappled with since meeting him was gone at the mere prospect of her mother coming to a similar conclusion and doing so over a plate full of turkey at Grams's house. With a grin of her own and a generous amount of spit, Bonnie Bennett shook on the deal; feeling for the first time all day, especially thankful for the perfectly awful Thanksgiving dinner to come.


End file.
